Well, this is rather weird. Trouble is something we all try to avoid. But for some reason, you are here. Our natural animal or human instincts abhors trouble and craves peace and pleasure. But sometimes you just want to get into trouble, for the sake of it. It's good for your nose - sorry - your brain and then again, you'll die some day anyway. So, trouble is not worth avoiding, if you think about it, and even more so if you don't. It will rear its beautiful head into your life regardless. Love it or hate it, believe it or not trouble (pain and suffering) is part of life (and death). The good book says, or so I've heard, that a man born of a woman is of few days and full of trouble. Read that again (I know you won't but I don't care). My guess is that you're a man and that you were brought forth by a woman and that's why you're here, trying to make your life short and full of trouble..
There are all sorts of (good) reasons why one might want to get into trouble. Avoidance of boredom is one of them. Sometimes you just want a little adventure or misadventure. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that (that I can think of). Other times our bodies itch for trouble and it's all we can think about. Or maybe you have for far too long adopted a safety-first approach, and it's beginning to bore you to death. Or, better yet, you desperately want to prove a point and show the world (or the people in it) that you aren't a coward (which you probably are). What better thing to do than just get into some trouble? Sometimes you just want the experience. When our ancestors said that experience is the best teacher, they were probably right. And I'll submit to you that when it comes to having a personal experience with something, trouble ranks up there with the very best experiences you can give yourself. Have you ever been arrested for something you did or did not do? Anything? No? Get a life, man! Get in some trouble!
Sometimes getting into trouble seem to be the only way out of trouble. Let's imagine that you are faithful employee and a loving husband to one wife. You work 8 to 5 and go home to your family everyday, without detours. All your life, you have obeyed orders, rules, routines and your life just sucks. Your wife is tired of the same old stories you swallow up and regurgitate into her ugly ears. Maybe you don't even have stories. Maybe you don't even have a wife. Your pet is tired of the same old face (yours). Maybe you don't even own a pet. Basically, you don't have a life, and that's trouble. So, you have one option and one option only; get into some sh*t to cajole yourself back into some semblance of life. Clifford Joseph Harris (better known as T.I or TIP ) boasts about his troubles in his song Rubber band Man and says, "I'm in trouble man, always in some trouble, man." He goes ahead and boasts of the fact that he is (or was) a seven-time felon. That was a long time ago and he is still here. So, there is nothing wrong with getting into trouble, it seems..
Sometimes getting into trouble seem to be the only way out of trouble
So, you want to get into trouble? Really? Are you sure? Okay, you have come to right place. We are going to help you because your determination leave us with a pretty strong impression. Now, there are many ways of getting into trouble. But before you decide on which kind of trouble you want to get into, it is important to consider a few things. First, you do not want to get into the sort of trouble that completely alters the course of your life or ends it. Because you won't enjoy this and you probably won't be around to see the result of your costly experiment (silly). But even if you'd be around, you'd be broken beyond repair and it would be difficult to get out of that sort of trouble. And your family (if you have one) will disown you. And you could spent the rest of your life hawking fried groundnuts along Luthuli Avenue in Nairobi. You don't want that, do you? I see. The essence of all this is to get in and out of trouble as fast as possible, okay?
Secondly, you might want to consider how your experiment is going to affect the people around you. Ideally, you shouldn't want to get into something that sends your mother or wife into a depression (- sorry, I almost forgot that you aren't married) or gets you fired from your job. You don't want to leave your pet in foster homes and you certainly do not want to endangers the life or safety of other people and their property. That is, unless you are really miserable. Thirdly, you should consider the financial implications of your adventure and finally, it shouldn't be something illegal. These criteria will cross off a lot of ideas from our list, but don't worry, we there's still a lot of trouble out there to get into. You just don't want to be breaking the law, depressing the people around you and squandering your hard-earned money assuming, of course, that you have some money and that you earned it the hard way. I mean, like a really hard way. I mean, like digging latrines or graves. Or hawking groundnuts along Luthuli Avenue.
So, have you any ideas yet? Don't worry, If you are still unable to think of any means of getting into trouble, we've got your back. Our experts have compiled an impressive list of possible troubles that you might find useful. Proffessor Craig Jerod "Boeing" Onyango of Bay Town County University suggests peeing on or around a "Usikojoe Hapa" sign. The professor of sociology and human sciences recommends this because, even though this act can get you into trouble, you'll still wake up the following day like nothing happened and go to work or school or to hawk. The only possible consequence, if at all, is that you'll most likely lose a few teeth or risk getting arrested. But that's something you can deal with. The good thing about this adventure is that your wife will not be depressed and you certainly won't die.
Mr. Billing Kang'ethe Mwangi suggests chewing a handful of chilies/pepper or jumping onto a bush of cactus. Well, this is gonna hurt (a lot) but only for a while ( it's trouble you were looking for, so you shouldn't realy be complaining) especially the cactus one. I wouldn't personally recommend this but Mr. Billing seems to know a thing or two about physical pain. There are few problems in the world that compare to physical pain in intensity and ability to evoke regret. Have you ever had a toothache? This is another excellent alternative, only we aren't sure how it can be deliberately induced. The point is, physical pain is an excellent example of trouble you can get into. Only make sure you consult with your doctor before you do any of this. And in case you injure yourself more than you intended please don't contact us for we do not want to be involved in your troubles.
The easiest way of getting into trouble according to Dr. Richard Dimaso Matendechere is to fail to submit you assignments or homework. "I mean, what could possibly go wrong?" The professor asks, stroking his bushy chin, "at best, you'll be made to submit it under increased pressure and at worst you'll fail the unit and have to do a re-take" He looks at me like a fly in his soup, sensing the disbilief on my face, "Thank god corporal punishment was banned from schools and all learning institutions!" He yells, "and a lecturer wouldn't ask a student to lie down and cane them, you know?" I know. But what if it's a job assignment? The good doctor laughs it off, "They'll give the assignment to someone else and all the punishment you'll probably get is a bad quarterly report." Phew!
Okay, what if you don't want trouble at work or school and you aren't into physical pain either, is there some trouble you can still get into - without getting into trouble, so to speak? We put the question to Mrs. Martha Wavinya. She's a domestic assistant for some wealthy family in Buruburu. "Well, that shouldn't be a problem," she says, "there are many ways of killing a rat."
"Wait, no one wants to die here, Madam. You have clearly misunderstood our question," I try to interject.
"I know that! I only meant that there are many ways of getting into trouble." She says emphatically.
A member of our film crew asks, "Oh, fine but the rat part, what are some humane ways of..?".
But Madam Wavinya timely anticipates the question and retorts, "Burn the whole damn house down!"
Nobody laughed. Not that I expected anyone to, but I was beginning to wonder whether Mrs. Martha Wavinya is related to WWE's Seth Rollins.
"Well, what sort of trouble can you recommend for us, Madam?" I try to be polite seeing, as it was, that this woman was not the kind to be joked around with. "Have you tried to send a flirty text message to your boss?" She asks. There is loud silence.
"I.... I.... I... don't think this is something I...we... you..., " someone in our crew attempts to interject. "It doesn't look likely to cause any trouble until you give it a try. I tell you, that night you won't be able to get any sleep," Ms. Wavinya insists, "It got me fired once."
Mmmmh, it got her fired? Only once?
We were utterly disappointed with the responses we had gotten so far, so we sought to speak to someone else, someone who could conjure the perfect storm, or brew the kind of trouble that makes your blood boil in your veins. Someone with the mischief of a monkey, the brain of a chicken and the heart of a lion. And the face of a warthog, I almost left that part out. Say hello to Mr. Guzman Kipyegon Kapar. He's a former athlete turned motivational speaker. He has the mischief of a monkey, the limbs of a duck and the face of all sorts of animals. "You wanna get into trouble?" he returns the question, looking death-serious, "go and try defecating in a mosque on a Friday afternoon."
Disclaimer: Do not try to get us in trouble by claiming for damages if you did something silly after reading this. This article is for entertainment purposes only, and should not be taken as professional counsel or advice.
Comments
Post a Comment